The Story of the Butterfly
When I was a little girl we would go to the lake all the time to spend the day. I thought the water was amazing, but I really loved the sand. I would ALWAYS find a caterpillar and put it in a old Pringles container with twigs and leaves. This would be my pet until my parents would make me turn him loose, back into the world.
Some think caterpillars are ugly, however I have always been fascinated with them. I thought they were so cute, and I wanted to show them love when the rest of the world thought they were so undeserving. I knew they turned into beautiful butterflies and the world be sorry that they had such terrible feelings about the caterpillar.
I grew up a caterpillar. I was the girl that was made fun of in school. I never had the cool clothes. I was always the nerd. I was the little girl wearing pretty lace dresses when all the other girls wore jeans. I was the awkward teenager with awkward eyebrows because I didn’t know about makeup and beauty tricks. I was the young adult that everyone overlooked because there was always someone prettier.
I was the one that everyone else laughed at. I usually had no idea WHY everyone was laughing, but knew the laughter was directed at me.
Fast forward through some adult years and four children. I was an overweight and tired mommy. I hated my life because I felt like nothing. I believed I WAS nothing. I wasn’t beautiful or trendy. I was in a terrible marriage. I felt that if I were to disappear- no one would ever notice.
I started exercising because I heard that gives you energy and makes you feel good. I noticed I started to lose some weight and that brought me to wanting to make better eating choices. During that year I lost weight. It is a very addicting feeling watching the pounds melt away, with clothes that were snug- now too large.
Maybe it was because I felt I had no control over my life. Maybe it was an addiction to the weight loss. Maybe I thought I could actually disappear into nothingness if I lost enough weight. Maybe I thought I would finally be beautiful if I weighed a certain amount. Maybe I thought I would finally be worthy of love and affection if I wore a smaller size. Maybe I would finally be a loved and cherished caterpillar.
I could see my ribs and every other bone in my skeleton. My hip bones protruded out so far that sometimes it was painful to wear jeans. I had to start wearing little girl clothes because women’s and teenage clothing were too large.
I had discovered strength in my workouts. I had found running and would go for a run every morning. I was running between 10-12 miles daily. Then I would go home and workout again at home. Then I would sit the rest of the day, because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I wanted to see the scale keep dropping, because THEN I would be that cherished caterpillar.
One morning after a run and my shower, I had no energy to even stand. I had to lay down on the bed without my clothes because I couldn’t even dress myself. I thought I would pass out every time I stood up. I honestly can’t describe in detail how I felt, except, I thought I was going to die. I truly believed that it must be my time today. Honestly? I was ok with that. Then I thought of my children. How devastated they would be to find me. Dead. A skeleton.
It would be traumatizing enough to lose their mommy. Eventually though, they would find out that Mommy did it to herself. Why didn’t Mommy just eat?
I realized then that I needed to take the strength that I had discovered in my workouts and apply it to my life. I told myself that I could treat myself with care instead of hatred. I could eat.
I started to eat for health. If it was good for me, I was allowed to eat it. Without counting calories. I did workouts for strength- not weight loss. I allowed myself to be healthy.
It’s been a few years since that day that I realized that I am worth more than nothing. I took my fascination for exercise and food and became certified to help others on their weight loss journey so they don’t make the same mistakes I made. I competed in a fitness bikini competition and am working on another. I left a terrible marriage and I am now married to the most amazing man in the universe.
Some things I learned on the caterpillar journey:
-I don’t need others to like me. I need to like myself.
-The universe put me here for a reason. Therefore, I am ENOUGH.
-Happiness is NEVER found at the small end of the scale.
-I need to be my own kind of beautiful.
I believe I finally earned my butterfly wings. Butterflies are really special to me, which is why I have a butterfly tattoo on my wrist for me to see daily. This is also what gave my husband the inspiration to design my logo that portrays who I am that is now included in everything I do. My permanent reminders that I am a cherished butterfly. No longer a caterpillar.